So it is dead days. Days with no class and tons of finals. I just took a final that erased the last shred of confidence that I have. (Don’t worry, more shreds of it are to be lost with subsequent finals.) I am sitting here, on my couch, watching the old TV show Felicity on Netflix and I feel lame because I haven’t related to anything more in a long time. I also feel lame because I am watching a 90’s TV show but gosh how I miss overalls, big hair, and frumpy clothing. The main character is an only child, did well in high school, and was geared towards being a doctor. This describes at least half of my high school. We were these, blessed, fortunate kids whose parents only wanted the best for them. Their parents poured money into their collegiate education expecting payout in success.
However, when you get into college and you are one of the thousands that have doctor dreams, almost every professor tells you “Look to your right and look to your left. Come the end of the semester, someone will not be here”. Intimidating. Provoking. Ominous. It’s almost enough to light a fire under your ass and get yourself into gear. This occurred to me in every lower division class (I am including Ochem since every premed needs it). The sharks came out. People would get exams from previous years. Cheat like their beating heart depended on it. Get so high on Adderall you swear their brain and cardiovascular system were conspiring against their health. Study with you to gauge how hard they had to study in comparison to benefit from the curve. In-san-ni-ty. Yes, I added an extra letter. What about it!? I didn’t realize how cynical I was until probably sophomore year and beginning of junior year when students became more open about it, shameless even. Like, why? Their head is so fierce and focused into the competition that the world that is happening around them is completely obsolete. Yes, they had hobbies (partying), but they were otherwise robots. They were cold and I didn’t know if it was because they really wanted to be a doctor or because that was just the generalized nature of them (pre-meds). It is so freaking intense. It’s as if you can’t breathe without saying what your GPA is, what extracurriculars you are BS-ing to try and make yourself look less like a robot, what you got on the last test, or when you are taking your MCAT. From my experience (which is the sole source of info for this entry, of course) students just did the premed thing just to do it. Whether it was for the prestige, the admiration, or family pressure (the majority of what I encountered), they did it.
Now, I am not saying that every premed doesn’t want to be a doctor. Not at all. I have seen students so passionate about being a doctor (not the schoolwork behind it) that it oozes from their pores. Their aura is as palpable as Houston humidity and for that, I respect them. I am envious of them. Yes, I wanted to be a doctor, why? I wanted to help someone help themselves (cliché, naïve, blah blah blah), but I just keep finding evidence (excuses?) to think differently. I feel like being a doctor has become so microscopic that is more like spot cleaning: the rest of it is fine but there is just this one thing that needs a little more love in order for the whole thing to be the whitest white it can be (white sheet analogy, I know. It’s bad but it makes sense). You go to a doctor to get antibiotics and vaccines, not advice on how to lower your heart rate or reduce your risk for atherosclerosis. We got to doctors to spot clean one thing that is wrong relative to the rest of our health. I don’t know if it is our culture or if that is how our healthcare system runs, but I got turned off. I even hear it from doctors who are cynical about their own profession. ‘If only patients would wash their hands, bathe correctly, eat right, exercise, and practice safe sex, I wouldn’t have a job.’ Disclaimer: I am not trying to reduce doctors’ jobs and practices. We need them. Especially those who are in the ER’s, pre and post- natal care, etc. Their job isn’t useless. I just feel like the up and coming doctors who are not passionate about it and are simply doing it have deterred me and that is sad. My aunt is a phenomenal doctor, researcher, and dean. She is passionate about what she does and dearly loves her patients. She isn’t a robot. She feels for her patients, knows some of them personally, and cares for the well being of the students she interacts with and knows. THAT is a doctor. She loves her job…correction, her career. Dr. Legall, a family friend of my family, spends ample time on each patient to fully evaluate what they need. She takes her time and makes sure that they don’t leave her office with a shoddy diagnosis or treatment. She also worked her butt off through adversity to get where she is. Two women. Two powerhouses. Two doctors who truly love their profession. I could name you a ton who are passionate at what they do.
I can also name you a good amount of students here at UT who are phenomenally amazing and any medical school would be crazy to reject them. They are people, too. I know, right? One loves art. Another can cook and bake enough to induce a high blood pressure/diabetes coma. One is so into research it got her all the way to Johns Hopkins, the motherload. Another one is so into fitness, he could make everyone run a marathon and eat protein shakes and vegetables all day: curing obesity, one carb at a time. I’m fortunate to know many students who can lead others well, have integrity, values and I am honestly happy to know them. I just hate that these students are not the majority.
So what about you, Ashley? Hahahahhaha. Oh trust me. I got plans. Y’all ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
In closing, I would just like to say…follow your thrill. (or follow your happiness/contentment/satisfaction/what-have-you) ‘Cause once one the thrill is gone…it is an uphill battle with ankle weights. Now. Back to cleaning—I mean cramming! Happy finals 