As you can see, whoever you are, I don’t update this thing regularly. oops. In light of this lack of consistency, a blog idea is born. Up close and personal. Classic. Usually I am not one to blog about personal feelings and all that jazz, but today just feels like a day that I will throw all of my inhibitions out the window. Warning: The following blog is going to exhibit an overall negative tone. You could call this a rant, but I’m not picky. Warning part deux: I did not proof read this. Beware of grammatical errors and some syntax issues. Look over the minor things, haha.
First point. Disappointment. Ahhh disappointment. I feel like this is just a part of growing up. Disappointment in your job, your friends, your spouse, or your life overall. I feel like my life for the past two years (mannn I’m old, haha) has been 70% disappointment and 30% complacency.
There are times. Most of the times I feel like there is this unattainable goal that I am apparently trying to achieve and am failing miserably. Now, this is hard to get out of. Very, very hard to get out of. I’m not even out of it. This feeling of disappointment must be felt with caution. It takes over your life, your self-esteem. It leaks into the facets of your schoolwork, your style, your eating habits, and your overall health. Disappointment is stealthy. You won’t notice it until it has occupied every neural synapse. Positivity and all that is sunshine and rainbows doesn’t have room. You are overcome with this brooding, heavy, weight that is too cumbersome to shake off. Let’s get personal. I had high goals of being a doctor. I have hit many speed bumps. Let’s correct that statement. I have encountered many self-inflicted road blocks that I have yet to remove. Many of these road blocks are mental, social, and emotional (sucks being female sometimes). These road blocks affected the thing that was dear to me the most: my academics. These hiccups have permanently affected my life plan. You know how you’re supposed to plan for the unexpected? Yeah, lies. If you could plan for the unexpected it would be unexpected now would it? Anyways, these humps affected my drive, confidence, and self esteem. The three things that pretty much fueled my study habits, my thought process, MY LIFE. They are gone. Completely. What’s worse is that there is still residual craving, yes, craving, for my former goal of being a physician. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I still kind of want to do it. Yes…I think that’s it…Which leads me to my next point
Snowballing. That thing you do when you implant something tiny into your psyche and you build and build and build on it until before you know it, it’s all you think about. It’s what you believe. It’s the new you! I do this daily. It is unhealthy, but I know that I am not alone in this horrible habit. Let’s get personal. Pre-college, I was hard-wired with high goals and knew I could achieve them. No doubt. Getting my hands dirty to do the deed? Psshhh. Ain’t nothin’ but a hair flip. That’s what hand soap is for. During college, this faded, but never completely diminished. That’s the only way I can explain why I still have that stupid premed code number on the end of major. What’s worse is being so deep in disappointment and wanting to get out so bad that you actually push yourself further into it. In other words, you trip yourself as you’re running to the finish line. Every possible mistake ends up being exaggerated and magnified. Crap. I made a 75 on that exam. You did it again. Why are you still trying? You obviously aren’t . Stop while you still can. You will never get there. Can’t you see? You can’t recover. It wasn’t meant for you. You just aren’t that type of person. Get it? That’s a snippet of snowballing. Do this frequently and it will become you. I can attest to that. Enough about snowballing though. Ugh. Too much.
Being alone. Feeling alone. This is the feeling I am actually pretty much used to. Since I am only child, I thrive at being alone, but I wasn’t used to was the feeling of disconnection. I believe this is what many feel when they described themselves as being alone. Growing up, I was alone….with my parents. They were honestly all I needed. Life was good. Those other kids were childish. I didn’t have time for those shenanigans. Side note: I didn’t realize how much shenanigans I missed out on in high school until college. Like, people did that in HIGH SCHOOL SAY WHA!? I digress. Disconnect. Right, disconnection. Disconnection is the feeling that you cannot share the essence of being you with another person. You cannot expose yourself. You cannot confide in others. You don’t fit in. You don’t relate to others. OR You think that you have different goals as everyone else. Why aren’t they like you? Why aren’t you like them? Blah blah blah. You get the point. This is also fatal. Insert holistic ideology here—>As a social species, human beings are meant to communicate with each other and bond to one another. We are a collaborative species. We tend to thrive with the help of others like ourselves. When this is lost, sh—hits the fan. Let’s get personal. I have few close friends which is normal, however, I have yet to feel 100% comfortable with any of them. I don’t confide in people. You may think I am, but I am not. I am telling you something that will not hurt me in the future by you knowing it. I tell you selective items that I feel are okay for you to know. This is personal preference, obviously, but it has shown to be ineffective towards happiness, fulfillment, and a sense of belonging on a broader scale. Go figure. I can’t help this. In my opinion, I am the only person who I can talk to. Everyone has two sides them. It all depends on which you decide to allow to dominate your persona. Let me tell ya, my two sides have some serious battles. It’s well near multiple personality disorder, but I don’t forget who the other one is of course since they’re both me and not like Katy and Shaniqua. I am so weird. Anyways, yes, that is how I feel and it honestly needs to stop. As you know, the brain has incredible plasticity. This is phenomenal, but also dangerous. Long story short, I need to call the electrician for some rewiring upstairs.
Now, I am running out of emotional juice to write this on considering it is getting near my bed time. I am a grandmother so bed time is seriously important to me. I needed to vent and what other place to do it than the interwebs! It has no repercussions at all! In closing, I honestly have a positive disposition…most of the time…tehee. I am not a walking dark cloud, I promise. I also still have hopes of doing big things (once I get out of this serious funk). So, that is all. More yoga and veggies are needed in the next few days to improve my negativity. I honestly can’t wait. Happy Day to all!